Searching…

I am realizing that I had been waiting for my voice to appear out of thin air or waiting to find my voice lying around somewhere to be stumbled upon. Finding my voice has been more like searching with intent. Like when you lose your keys and you walk around searching attentively for those lost keys, looking in different places. Suddenly, you see the keys that you have been searching for and get a sense of relief. If someone else was caught up in the search for your keys with you, then you yell out to the other person “I found them!” They usually ask, “Where did you find them?” and you reply with the place of concealment. The thing about searching for lost keys is that you usually retrace your steps and look in familiar places. Finding my voice has also required that, like searching for lost keys, I look in some familiar places of my past.  Some of these places hold the keys that will help unlock my voice.

The journey to find my voice took me down the road of my own personal history to some familiar memories. Some of the memories I have are pleasant and some of them are not so great. Pleasant or not I had to trace my steps in order to uncover what had caused me to lose my voice in the first place. I discovered that sometimes the voice of other people had caused me to turn my own voice down. Most of these people were well meaning, however, their words hindered my own words. Listening to their voice about what I should or should not express with my own voice had contributed to my insecurity about myself and my voice. Walking in that insecurity does not allow me to walk in the confidence needed to express my voice. There is not room on the journey for both security and insecurity. It is kind of like light and dark, they do not usually hang out together. Once the light is turned on the darkness runs away. Security is like the light and insecurity is like the darkness; one overrules the other but they never rule together. I had to decide which would rule, light or darkness. While on the surface, this seems to be an easy decision, it has been one of the toughest decisions that I have had to make.

This was the part of the journey that is usually referred to as a “cross road” and I had to choose the road to take. It frightened me because in order to find my own voice and truly walk in security, I needed to temporarily shut out the voices of other people. This is not always welcomed by the voices that are used to casting the shadow of their opinion in your life, and may cause friction and tension. However, it is crucial if you desire to authentically express your own voice. Also, not expressing my voice was causing me internal tension, as well as tension in my relationship with God because I was continually (for the sake of peace with other people) ignoring who I was created to be, and turmoil with those around me because I felt frustrated by constraint. I desired to walk in the freedom that I felt God beckoning me to experience, so I chose the road less journeyed…